Goodbye My Beloved Fannie, Run and Play with Abandon. You are Deeply Loved and Missed 1999-2015

It is with the heaviest heart that I must tell you that my most beloved Fannie died yesterday at about noon. She was able to spend one last night at home, but when I woke up yesterday morning (not that I actually slept much) Fannie was clearly on the rapid decline. It was clear to me that my desire to hold on to her was outweighed by the need to prevent her from suffering– which would have been cruel and selfish. This is never an easy decision, even when you know that it's the only choice, but the finality of this decision coupled with the knowledge that you will no longer be able to see, touch and hold your beloved kitty, or hear her purr, is soul-crushing. My husband and I showered her with love, told her that it was okay for her to go (and not to feel the burden to hang on for us), and that she would be forever loved and cherished. The actual event was fast and humane, performed by our vet for well over a decade, and Fannie purred and kneaded up until the end– despite the fact that she was so frail. Once I was finally able to go home, I sat in the passenger seat for the two block drive back to our house, clinging to the empty carrier, and the little lock of her fur for dear life while I sobbed.

Once home, I felt an odd mixture of relief and soul-crushing despair: the former because Fannie was no longer suffering, and the latter because my unmitigated grief was just beginning to catch me in its tight grasp. I walked into the backyard and visited all of her favorite spots, seeking any evidence that somehow this was just a nightmare and that she would be waiting for me.  She didn't emerge, as she always did, so I sat on the lawn under the shade of the palm tree in utter silence for what felt like an eternity. In this stillness, I recounted our sixteen years together, and my great fortune to have had such an exceptional kitty with whom to share my life. I thought of the things that I wanted to say to her beyond I love you and thank you for sharing your life with me, and I wanted to send it out into the universe in the hopes that she might somehow hear.

Fannie's personal oasis

My beloved Fannie (Fancy-Schmancy and every other permutation of your name that I uttered over our years together):

As long as I draw breath, I will never forget the moment that our eyes first met. You were sitting in a cage with your brother at the cat shelter, and the moment that I saw you I fell in love. This was something true and beyond explanation, but I just knew that we belonged together. I tried to adopt your brother since I didn't want to separate the two of you, but he had already been spoken for– so I had the attendant, who happened to be a former student of mine, indulge me by pulling lots of other kittens from their cages to see who you might get along with so that would have a playmate. You seemed to like Luca, so I signed the adoption papers and brought you home, and so our journey began.

When you were just a baby you showed a natural curiosity in all things, and you would stand on your tiptoes to watch in amazement as the front-loading washing machine would spin. You were so tiny that you fit into a very small empty flower pot, and would look out mischievously as though we were playing hide-and seek.

You loved playing outside, but loved snuggling up in bed or on the couch, and you were always so loving and affectionate. You freely expressed your love by giving me the sweetest single meow that trailed off into the deepest purr that was so big and bold that it simply couldn't be contained by your little frame.

You knew full and well that I didn't want you wandering outside of our yard, and yet you would sneak off and indulge in the forbidden, but would always return and you made every effort not to get caught. There was that one time, however, at our old house, that I was gardening in the front yard and I saw this stealth gray ninja elegantly glide by at what seemed to be the speed of light. You were running down the sidewalk from who knows where, and you had that "oh crap, I got caught" expression on your face. I called your name and you promptly came, and looked at me with those gorgeous green eyes as if to assure me that you were just fine.

You were always such an observant girl, and this aspect of your character constantly amazed me. The first time that you alerted me to the fact that I was about to flood the kitchen, I thought that it might have been a fluke. As you know, I often multitask, and I would often set a glass or carafe under the water purifier spigot at the sink and would do other things while waiting for it to fill. As soon as it began to overflow and spill onto the counter, you alerted me with a meow and looked directly at the overflowing water. However, you would prove to do this more times that I can count, and it became abundantly clear that you were my water monitor.

You were such a delightfully social girl, and while you loved to nap in the bushes, you also loved to hang out when your dad would play the monotonous game of fetch with Delilah. You would sit on the arm of his chair and purr so loud that I could hear you from inside of the house, and this constantly delighted me and warmed my heart.

You had carte blanche with me, and when you demanded to go play outside at night, we let you. You were always able to get me to do whatever you wanted, and I complied with joyful abandon. You made sure that I refilled your water glasses and bowls constantly (though we both know that you preferred drinking from a glass than a bowl). I may have thought that your water was fresh, but you would just stand next to the sub par water, look at me then look at it and blink. As soon as I would give you fresh water you would blink again, give me the sweetest meow of thanks and then would drink it.  When you would emerge from a nap, and were hungry you would let me know that it was time for a little lunch, and when I would give it to you would would always express your appreciation. We slept with the bedroom French Door open (screen door shut) so that you could let us know that you were ready to come in. We never put in a cat door because that was your domain, and the other kitties weren't allowed outside, and as the eldest, who grew up going outside, you were granted privileges not enjoyed by the other felines. Last night, I kept waiting for you to come to the door, but you didn't. I am currently staring at your full water glass and bowl, and I feel empty knowing that you won't sip from them again.

There are so many sweet memories that are beginning to emerge, and I am sure that more will continue to unfurl as I try to make sense of what has happened.

You and I shared a life filled with the deepest kind of love, and there is no question that our bond was very profound. You were, and will always remain, my baby, and I know that you know that my love for you is far deeper than words could ever begin to convey. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom and thank you for 16 beautiful years. I am so sorry that I wasn't able to get you more time here, I would have done anything for you to have had more years in good health. My tears are a mixture of joy for having been loved by you, and grief that you are gone. I will never stop loving you, I will never forget you, and I will miss you as long as I live. You were deeply loved, baby girl xoxoxoxox =^..^=

P.S. You might be shocked to know that your weird brother Zeus follows me around when I am crying, and awakens from the deepest sleep when he hears me beginning to cry. He sweetly crawls in my lap to comfort me because he seems to understand. Who knew he was that sensitive, right?!